Why Senator Chuck Grassley always has to keep an extra gavel by the hand and out the reach of Lindsey Graham.

Even as a small child Lindsey Graham, United States Senator for the state of South Carolina, had a pension for sticking random foreign objects up his rectum.  Now, dear reader you might just cough and say uh hum to shrug off the uncomfortabilty of having such information shared with ya’ll.  But in such a time as the present day of now and the way we as a community have reshaped the ideas of sharing information, lest this writer say, the manifest destiny that is full disclosure. Well then it is with this in mind dear reader that i do so feel compelled to share a little story with you.  For the young Lindsey Graham, way before he had become the great Senator of the fine state of South Carolina had a pension for inserting objects of varied sizes into the orifice of his anal cavity and this had almost lead to the bankruptcy of his own parents.

Now this pension, as I have call it, was in no way related to young Lindsey having any proclivity towards feelings of a homosexual nature.  No, no, no, young Lindsey was as John Wayne hetero as any American soldier could be back in the late 1950’s.  But somewhere during the formative years of young Lindsey’s life did this inclination to insert objects up his ass begin. 

Back in the day, Lindsey’s parents, Millie and Florence James, or as townsfolk used to call him F.J. ran a restaraunt/bar/pool/hall/liquor store called the Sanitary Cafe.  Now young Lindsey liked to hang round the joint helping out his ma and pa with all sorts of chores.  From mopping the floors, to shucking the corn for the sweet breads, to refilling the whiskey bottles with water, Lindsey liked to stay busy.  But one of young Lindsey’s favorite things to do was, on a busy Saturday evening, while the Sanitary Cafe was bustling with young lovers, service men and women on leave and local farmer boys looking to bust a nut, was to steal the cue ball off of the pool table and hide it.  Lindsey just thought that this was the funniest thing since Howdy Doodie Time.  And time and time again young Lindsey would steal the cue ball and hide it somewhere in the Sanitary Cafe, only to have his irritated mother or father find it hidden in the ice bin or in a jar of marinating pig ears.  Millie and F.J. were able to see the fun and mischief in what young Lindsey was doing so they never ever got truly mad.  Though the pool sharks and hustlers tended to lose a bit of patience with the young boy now and again.  Some would even try to rough up the young lad.  But F.J. didn’t tolerate none of that nonsense in his establishment.  The Sanitary Cafe was a place for good christians. Now young Lindsey did not like them hustler boys and pool pimps, one bit.  So to annoy the hustlers and pool table pimps that much more, Lindsey continued to hide not only the cue ball but the 8 ball too in a place that nobody would suspect.  Legend has it that the Sanitary Cafe almost went belly up replacing all those missing cue balls and 8 balls.  Lindsey himself had always kept it a secret from his beloved parents, never once admitting to having stolen the countless number of billiard balls.  Nor did her ever ever tell the story of how he smuggled all them billiard balls out of the Sanitary Cafe to anyone except his good friend and confidant Mitch McConnell, the Senator from the greasy state of Kentucky.

(who related this very story to this impresionable journalist during an afternoon of one too many banana daiquari’s during a happy hour at a TGIF’s in downtown D.C.)

Now back behind the shed at the Graham’s family home in South Carolina, one might to this very day, find a hole deep enough to bury close to 63 cue and 8 balls, yes 63 cue and 8 balls smuggled up the ass of a future Senator of the United States of America.  And if you happened to look closely at the Senator Grahams facial expressions during yesterdays testimonial hearings of Brett “full body weight” Kavanaugh and Christine “fuck you guys I just wanna go home” Ford, well one could see clearly that the proclivities of a once young man, had been carried over into adulthood.  Making it no wonder that chairman of the house committee in charge of the Kavanaugh hearings, Senator Chuck Grassley from the loose state of Iowa, had to always keep an extra gavel on hand and out of reach of Lindsey Graham.