Paul Ryan with his head up the Presidents ass or how Colonel Sanders saved a life.

              Most just stood there, stroking their chins in contemplation, heads slightly tilted to one side or the other. How the Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan had actually gotten his head lodged up the actual asshole of the President was chinesse enigma. Now this in itself was not the only question perplexion any longer. It was all quite out in the open and apparent when it came to how these sort of things happened nowadays. The question at that moment that was going around the Hill and in the White House was how “they” were to get the Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan’s head free from the colonic grips of the 45th President. A solution for this modern problem was confounding a plagued nation.

           The powers that be, that actually still cared, conveened on the 2nd Thursday of the 7th month to compile a strategic list of viable options of how to extract the proboscis head of the Speaker from the House from the raging anal cavaity of the the 45th President of the United States of America. The first idea on the list came from David Osborne (R), the Speaker of the House of the Kentucky House of Representatives since 2017. Now, Representative Osborne had a brave and bold idea; that the only way to save Repr. Ryan, (whose oxygen levels were depleting by the minute) was to call out the Colonel. All the other powers that bet hat still cared, that had taken part in the emergency meeting were in agreement. It was time to put a call into the Colonel. Repr. Osborne (R) claimed to have the Colonel on speed dial. Some Republicans thought he was showing off, while others figured that it was possible considering that both the Representative and the Colonel were from Kentucky and that it was actually possible that someone as simple of Osborne might actually know the Colonel personally. The Colonel may have had to call on the Rep. for a favor from time to time. Anyway, the call was made and the Colonel’s people said that the Colonel was free that day and would be honored to help out the country in a time of crisis. The Colonel said he would be in Washington before the clock struck 12 noon.

           And low and behold, two minutes before the clock in the Oval office clanged 12 noon, the Colonel and his entourage had arrived at the White House via the south gate. The Colonel, escorted by a few handlers and a crew of minimum wage slave laborers, along with Repr. Osborne (R) in tow, were lead to the Oval Office were the President sat rather awkwardly to watch Fox News. The Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan’s head was still up the President poop shoot and the President used the shoulders of the Speaker Ryan as a stool to sit upon. The President was intently watching Fox News, with a somewhat constipated look upon his face. The President’s aides were unsure if this was due to the President having someones head phyically up his ass or the continious mention of the President and some pee pee tape that he may have or may not have, starred in. Anyway…the Colonel and his crew of minimum wage slave laborers were escorted into the Oval Office and introduced to the President. The Colonel said in his best regal southern drawl “Mister President, Colonel Sanders is here to serve you and our great nation in a time of need. So, if you wouldn’t mind sir, my team of minimum wage slave laborer’s and I will proceed with freeing the honorbale Mr. Ryan’s head from your derrière.” The President turned his attention from the television towards the Colonel and said “Colonel Sanders, it is an honor and a privelege to have such a great American here to help free me from such an uncomfortable burden. Please go ahead, do whatever you gotta do to get this jabroni’s head out of my asshole. Tossing the salad of the President is one thing but Ryan was a bit too enthusiatic this time.” The President then farted and a muffled grunt was heard from the Presidents bottom. The body of Paul Ryan shuddered and then fell still.

           Colonel Sanders set his mimimun wage slave laborers to covering the floor and walls of the Oval Office with sheets of thick plastic. The Colonel instructed the Presidents aides to undress the President and Speaker of the House of Represenative’s Paul Ryan. When the Oval office was covered wall to wall in plastic and the two men joined by the head and asshole like two lego blocks, had been stripped naked, the Colonel and his crew set to work. 24 Family buckets of extra cripsy chicken with assorted sauces, 100 sides of mashed potatoes and gravy and 131 biscuits was loaded into the Oval Office. The Colonel started direction his minimum wage slave labor on how and were to apply the grease from the chicken skin to the bodies of the the two men. Peeled extra cripsy chicken skin was rubbed along the extremities of the Presidents genitals, while the kneck of the Speaker of the House was massaged with mashed potatoes and gravy. Using a turkey baster that had been sequestered from the White House kitchen, the Colonel personally injected chicken grease and mashed potatoes into the rectum of the President in an attmept to lube up the anal cavity from inside. The remaining skinless chicken was feed to the President piece by piece. Each piece dipped in a different sauce before hand. Once the Colonel’s mimimun wage slave labor crew was finished applying the chicken grease, skin and mashed potatoes to the bodies of the two Republicans they were then instructed to line the bodies with the 131 biscuits, for cushioning. The bodies were then rolled up in the plastic that had covered the floor. Once the two men were encased in the plastic layered in chicken grease and mashed potatoes, the Colonel took out his pipe and lit it. Smiling with southern satisfaction, the Colonel said, “now we will have to just let the body temperture of these two fine distinguished men do the rest of the work. I do guarantee that in less than half an hour, the internal combustion of the Presidents bowels will blow a mighty confederate blast, releasing the fine Speaker of the House from his anal grips. I do declare that this will solve the problem and free both the men.” The President’s aides smiled a smile of uncomfortable relief. Then the one Presidential aide, the one with the black puches under her eyes, the one shaped like the Grimace, said “I am terribly sorry Colonel but there is a no smoking policy in the White House.” The Colonel smiled and reached into the left inside pocket of his white coat. From the pocket the Colonel removed a coupon for two free side dishes with purchase of a big box meal and handed it to the aide. The Colonel winked at the aide and said “I do so apologise for my indiscretions.” The Colonel pulled deeply from his pipe and exhaled the smoke into the Oval office, then said to his crew of minimum wage slave laborers “Our work here is done. We have served our nation well.” The Colonel turned and walked out of the Oval Office triled by his crew of minimum wage slave laborers in tow behind him.

          Twenty five minutes later a large sounding rumble came from the great plastic human chicken fajita wrap there on the floor in the middle of the Oval Office. With a mighty burst the Presidents intestines pushed forth a gust of flatulence that in conjunction with all the chicken grease and mashed potatoes that had been massaged into his anus. Slowly the vice grip upon the head of the Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R) from the Presidents anus released itself. The Speaker of the House’s head slid out of the rectum of the President and Mr. Ryan gasped for air. Upon having his head freed from the poop shoot of the leader of the free world the Speaker of the House began to cry like a small child. Mashed potatoes, gravy and shit smeared across the head and face of the moaning Speaker. The President and the Speaker looked upon one another and both began to laugh. The one man winked to the other. The President then scooped a handful of the mashed potatoes out from behind the ear of the Speaker and hand feed it to the Speaker. The Speaker licked the Presidents fingers clean. “It is finger licking good after all,” he said. A great national crisis had been averted and America would sleep better that night.

Floating in the shallow end

of the kiddie pool

upon an inflatible shit emoji,

when a woman I recognize

from my daughters school

floats on by upon

an inflatible unicorn

and says to me,

“lekker heh.”

I notice

the chop shop tattoo

on her lower back

that she probably got

some 20 years ago

and smile and as

she drifts on by

then say,

“ja, wij zijn zekker

mazellaars.”

As all the little kids splash

and scream and thrash

in the chlorinated water

and my daughter is yelling at me

“Poppa, kijk! Poppa kijk, Poppa kijk wat ik kan!”

and I ‘m watching her splash water

in her own face and I’m laughing

then get to thinking how

some of us reveal

that much more

about ourselves

when

the temperature rises

and the schoolplein is

geruiled for the

local swimming pool.

When some heavyset kid

does a cannonball right

infront of my face,

which

gets me

to wonder

how recyclable

any of

this inflatible shit

is anyway.

So, the Universe and I were having a fine time enjoying the takke herrie at the Parksessies when…

So, the Universe and I were having a fine time enjoying the takke herrie at the Parksessies when…

an older man came walking up to me and said, “dit kan niet! Dit is niet de bedoeling van a picnic, it is ruining the atmosphere!” I assumed he was refering to the band that was currently playing on the stage in the middle of the field. There was anger, frustration and humus inbetween every wrinkle in his face. A crumpled up blanket under his arm. A half empy bottle of rose in the other. His wife stood next to him silently starring into the dirt.

“Sir,” I said, “actually dit kan en dit is geen picnic, dit is the Parksessies.”

The old man frowned and walked away and the sun laughed out loud and I smiled and the Universe asked me what that was all about and I said,

“I don’t think the old guy appreciates our musical programming today.”

“Oh,” said the Universe, “fuck ‘em.”

“Yeah, some people are a bit confused about what we are doing here in the Hout today.”

“some people are just confused in general.” said the Universe.

“Better they just go and picnic in the Kenaupark then.” I said.

“Or maybe just open their minds and not just their bottles of rose’.” said the Universe.

“Some woman who lives somewhere around the park sent an email to the organization titled “Wat een doffe ellende”. She also seemed a bit dissatisfied with the musical programming.”

“Well then fuck her too.” the Universe said with a smile.

“yeah and some other woman from Heemstede called and said that her three month old baby couldn’t sleep and was crying due to the “noise” from the music.” I said.

“Did someone tell her to just give her kid a tit and chill the fuck out?” asked the Universe.

“Maybe, probably not in so many words. I said with a laugh.

“Mensen.” said the Universe.

“Muggen.” I replied.

“Beer?” asked the Universe.

“lets.” I said.

And the noise and the takke herrie and the doffe ellende rolled onto into the evening as the sun went down smiling and the picnicing people continued to picnic oblivious to the artforms evolving around them and the local newspaper reported about what went wrong and not about what went right and the photo in the newspaper was off people picnicing and not of the anyone interacting with the art and many people thanked me for the Parksessies and as always I took the compliments graciously for all the people behind the scenes and took a simple glee in how some people were pissed off and it was my pleasure to remind everyone that this was not a picnic but these were the Parksessies and the Universe was wondering if anyone found its sunglasses.

I received an email from the Devil today.

I received an email

from the Devil

today

and in the email

the Devil

asked me

what the hell

was going on up there?

See the Devil was

under the assumption

that  

everyone

already knew

that

the he was

more partial

too

tequila

than

vodka

to empanadas

than

perogies

to the Caribbean

than

the Caspian Sea.

that classical ballet

had never

been the Devils

thing

that Luchadores

had more allure for

a demon with a passion

for

the chaos of

all things.

The Devil

claimed to

have

little interest

in politics

per se,

but that the

attention diverting

bullshit

going on between America

and Russia

was just

getting in the way

of even the Devil

enjoying a bit of quiet,

a salted margarita

and a little siesta

on a

warm summers day.

Teenagers with Parents and Parents with Teenagers

Teenagers with parents

And attitude and sloped shoulders

Parents with teenagers

And tired and lower back spasms

Teenagers with parents

And earbuds in every orifice

Parents with teenagers

And over exaggerated Iphone importance

Teenagers with parents

And summer vacation adolescent acne irritations

Parents with teenagers

And the ever increasing space between your spouse and you and them.

Teenagers with parents

And parents with teenagers

roam another warm foriegn city

looking for something

anything

familiar

or otherwise unthreatening

for both parents and teenagers

to be equally

engaged in.

So, the Universe and I had everything to do but instead

So, the Universe and I had everything to do but instead

decided to walk out to the edge and take a look at it all.

“Some pretty heavy shit, man.” Says the Universe to me.

I tilt my head and say, “Seems that way from here.”

“Just wait till you get up close.” Says the Universe.

“I will.” I reply.

I contemplated what that meant for a moment

then decided to not move at all,

thinking that it was all some sort of test.

Then I remembered the cookies.

So, the Universe and I are walking through the Hema and the Universe turns to me and asks,

So, the Universe and I are walking through the Hema and the Universe turns to me and says,

“Hey man, you heard they got all those kids and their coach out of that cave in Thailand?”

“Yeah, I heard it on the radio this morning.” I said. “Amazing.”

“Yeah it is…Dude, what is the capital of Thailand anyway?” the Universe asks me.

And before I realize what I have just been set up for, I  blurt out “Bangkok.”

And wham the Universe smacks me wit hits fist right in the family jewels.

“What the Fuck!” I growl. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

And the Universe is beside itself with laughter their in the middle of the Hema.  And some little guy who looks like a burnt cigarette walks by gnawing on a worst and calls us a “stelletje mafkezen.”

“Hahaha, sorry man, I just couldn’t resist.” Laughed the Universe.

“What are you 14 or 4.5 million years old? The last time someone did that to me I was a sophmore in high school.”

“Ah come on don’t be so sensitive.”

“I almost puked up my lunch in the middle of the Hema.”

“Ok, sorry.  I thought you’d appreciate it.”

“Appreciate getting hit in the fucking nuts in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the fucking Hema…yeah ok sure… I do see the juvenille humor in it all but…hey, wait a minute, isn’t that the Big Bang over there by the women’s underwear?”

And the Universe turns to look at where I said that its ex, the Big Bang was and I smacked the Universe oh so hard right where I assumed the Universe’s sensitive parts were.

“OOOHHH…!” cried out the Universe falling to the floor in the middle of the Hema. “You tricky son of a bitch!” 

“AAAHHHHH hahahahaha.” I laughed and laughed and laughed as the Universe roled on the ground in pain.  People clinging to their stroopwafels and Q-tips, made a wide berth around us both. 

A woman in a red Hema polo shirt walked over to us and told us that we would both had to leave immediately.   I apologised for our behaviour and said that we would be lon our way once I could get my friend off the floor.  The woman from the Hema turned and walked away mumbling “stelletje mafkezen.”

I bent down and grabbed the Universe by the elbow, pulling it to its feet.  The Universe is much lighter than one would think.  Once I got the Universe standing somewhat errect I pushed it towards the exit, stumbling with my own bruised nuts behind it. 

Once outside, under the afternoon sun, in the middle of the hustle and bustle of people coming out of and going into the Hema, I turned to the Universe and asked,

“What the fuck were we doing in the Hema anyway?”

“Didn’t you say you needed gluesticks or something.”

“Ah fuck, yeah, the fucking gluesticks.” I said.  “

 And the Universe replied “you and your fucking gluesticks. You expecting that shit to hold your world together, forever?”

“No,” I said.  That is what I got the duct tape for.”

So, the Universe and I are doing what we usually do together and the Universe says,

So, the Universe and I are doing what we usually do together and the Universe says,

“Dude, I am not that happy.”

And I ask the Universe “what, are you depressed?”

And the Universe answers, “no man, I am just not happy.”

And I say, “you know what, neither am I.”

And the Universe says, “maybe it is the after affects.”

And I say,”from what?”

And the Universe says, “oh, nevermind.”

And a flock of birds flew over head.  There was a cool breeze and the sun shined.

“Maybe you need a real job?” I said.

“What you don’t think being the Universe is a real job?”

“Well, no…I mean, it is just like, you always…ah forget it.”

“Forgot it.” Said the Universe .

And delivery trucks drove by us and there were children playing and parents on telephones and someone shouting.

And the Universe said,” maybe I need to buy something.”

“Buy something?” I responeded.

“Yeah, people buy stuff to make them happy, don’t they.”

“I guess some do.” I said. 

“What should I buy then?”

“What do you need?” I asked the Universe.

“Not much, now that I think of it.”

And there was a kid delivering pizzas and another delivering sushi and another delivering tacos.  A police siren wailed in the distance. 

“I don’t have any money.” Said the Universe.

“That is why you need a real job.” I said.

“Do you have any money?” asked the Universe.

“No,” I said. “I don’t have a real job either.”

And a man with a guitar and a dog sat down a few feet away from us and started playing a song from Simon & Garfunkel.  The dog lay at the man’s feet.  I got up and dropped the last euro I had in my pocket in the man’s guitar case.

The Universe asked me, “why did you do that.”

“Why not.” I answered.

“You like Simon & Garfunkel?”

“Not per se,” I said. “But hey, the guy is just trying to earn a buck playing music.”

“You could have given me the euro to buy something.” Said the Universe.

“You could have sang me a song.” I said.

And a ball rolled past us but there seemed to be nobody around kicking it.  The Universe and I watched the ball roll down the street and then turn left at the corner.  A man in a white suit walked past us and said hello.  The Universe and I both said hello back. 

“I think that I am happy again.” Said the Universe.

“That is good to hear.” I said.

“And I didn’t even have to buy anything.”

“That is a good thing.” I said.

And that is how we spent the afternoon. And other people did other things and then it became evening and the Universe asked me.

"What are you making for dinner?"

And I said, "an extra place for you."

So, the Universe and I were sitting in the back garden of my house the other day. The sun was out and we were both bored.

So, the Universe and I were sitting in the back garden of my house the other day. The sun was out and we were both bored.

“What shall we do? I asked the Universe.

“I don’t know man, good question. What do you wanna do?”

“I don’t know. That's why I asked you.” I replied.

“Shall we make some prank phone calls?” said the Universe.

“I don’t even think I own a phone book anymore.” I said.

“Shall we liberate all the animals from the petting zoo?

“Whose going to clean up all the llama shit then?”

“Uhm, ok…shall we brainstorm an idea to help defeat Trump in 2020?”

“Good luck with that.” I said.

“Now you’re just being a whole bunch of no fun.” said the Universe.

“Sorry,” I said, “Let’s try to think positive.”

“Yes, let’s think positive. So what do you wanna do today?” the Universe asked.

“How about we devise a way to help defeat Trump in 2020.” I said.

“We’re all just better off letting him defeat himself.” replied the Universe.

“Uh, ok…then how about we liberate the animals from the petting zoo?”

“Dude, you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to get llama shit off of your shoes?”

“Ok, how about we make some prank phone calls then?” I said.

“What’s the fun in making prank calls when everyone's got caller ID nowadays?”

“So, then what are we going to do today then?” I asked the Universe.

“I am all out of ideas.” said the Universe.

“How can the Universe be out of ideas? I thought you, the Universe was ever expanding?”

“The Universe is like a snowman in summer.” proclaimed the Universe.

“Huh?” I said, “What the hell does that mean?”

“I am not sure,” said the Universe, “I just liked the way it sounded in my head.”

“Well you said it out loud too and now it is out there and I still don’t understand it.” I said.

“Don’t worry man, let it go” replied the Universe, “I think it’s just the mescaline starting to settle in.”

“And the sky is still blue like an illusion.” I said.

“Yeah man, the sky is still blue like an illusion,” repeated the Universe. “I guess the mescaline is starting to affect you too?”

“When did we take mescaline?” I asked the Universe.

The Universe smiled at me and I saw in its eyes an oppurtunity for awakening. All questions of boredom became null and void.

“Let’s just go for a walk.” I said.

“Now, was that such a difficult idea to come up within the first place?”

So, the Universe and I decided to stop off at the Koffieterras in the local garden center.

So, the Universe and I decided to stop off at the Koffieterras in the local garden center.  The Universe had texted me something about needing a carnivorous plant and I had texted back, “a what?”  And the Universe texted back, “you know a flesh eating plant.”  And I replied “oh yeah, feed me Seymour.” And the Universe was like “yeah, haha that.  Pick me up at noon.”

            When the Universe got in the van I asked, “so why do you need a flesh eating plant?”

And the Universe spoke onto me and said “why so nosey?”

And I said, “it’s a jew thing.” And winked.

So the Universe laughed, “that I know already.”

And I said, “no really, why do you want an Audrey II?”

And the Universe looked at me all crosseyed, I get your jokes, like “All the damn fruit flies in my kitchen, that’s why. It’s driving me crazy.  I got four white wine vinegar traps in my kitchen but I still have the little buggers all over the place.  I figure a flesh eating plant could help do the trick and get rid of them.”

“Good plan, man.” I said. “Ya know, I tried keeping flesh eating plants a number of times before but they always died on me.”

The Universe looked at me crosseyed again.

“I think that I will just get a succulent, they are a lot easier to take care of.” I said with a sigh.

“You do just that.” Said the Universe, as we pulled into the parking lot of the garden center.

            The Universe found the flesh eating plant it was looking for and I found a succulent that I could afford.  We were enjoying talking to all the plants, conspiring to help liberate as many of them as possible from their plant prison. The Universe decided that we both needed a coffee.  Amazingly right there in the center of the garden center was a koffieterras.  “What a luxurious world we live in do we not?” stated the Universe, picking up a tray and sliding it down the line of the buffet.  “What do you want?  My treat.” said the Universe.

“Oh, wow.” I said, “are you high or something?” I said with a hint of sarcasm in my voice. 

“Dude, remember that little joint we smoked in your van before coming in here?  We are both a little high aren’t we?”

“Oh, I guess so.” I said, my eyes admiring the succulent in my hands.

“So, what do you want?” asked the Universe again, this time with a small hint of annoyance in its voice.

“Coffee, black.  And a tosti.  With ketchup. Thanks.”

“So,” said the Universe.  “Live large often?”

“Everyday.” I replied.

The Universe ordered a coffee with warm milk and a piece of apple pie

“You drink your coffee with milk?” I asked, somewhat suprised.

“Yeah, why?”

“I thought the Universe drank its coffee black.  That’s all.” I said.

“The Universe likes its coffee like it likes its galaxies, milky.” 

“Lame,” I said. “just lame.”

At the table, the Universe took out a small pocket knife.  It made a slice in its palm and dripped some blood into the opening of the flesh eating plants “mouth.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Just curious.” Answered the Universe with a wink.

“Why not give it some of this gross ham from my tosti.” I said, peeling the ham from between the soggy white bread and half melted processed cheese.

“These plants don’t eat ham, man.” Said the Universe, while pushing the floppy greasy piece of ham aside.

“Why is it a fucking kosher maneating plant?” I asked. 

“Yeah, it only eats foreskins.”  Laughed the Universe.

I laughed even harder.

My tosti had been shit, the coffee weak but being amongst the plant life had been a breath of fresh air.  The succulent looked very nice in the window of the shop.  Last I heard the Universe had ended going to the Blokker and up buying a bunch of those sticky fly traps.  The flesh eating plant the Universe had bought turned out to be vegetarian.  Go figure.  Who would have thought it possible?  Then again, the lesson learned, weird shit happens when you get even just a little bit stoned before going to the garden center.

Somebody said that the first kiss has nothing to do with common sense.

Somebody said that the first kiss has nothing to do with common sense.

She showered after breakfast washing the oatmeal out of her hair but saved the raisins behind her ears for lunch.

Since they started watching shows on Netflix there was no longer a chance to check on the kids inbetween commercial breaks. Assumption was no longer a dirty word in their household but they did assume, night after night that the children were still breathing.

Eventually, the immigrants just got bored and left the white people to cut their own lawns and cook their own food. In no time the landscape became overgrown and the white people well they just stayed fat.

She said you can tell that that kid over there is a racist just by looking at his haircut.

He said that, if he had only known how speaking Spanish in public would piss off so many people nowadays, he would have payed that much more attention and showed much more respect to Mr. Vasquez while in high school.

So often the tough guys were the ones who got the girls. I always wondered what the girls got in return.

He said, more or less, give or take, you’ll never catch a fucking break by buying a used cadillac from a man still driving a horse and carriage.

The headline read, “Outbreak Salmonella Poisoning during Summit meeting between U.S. and Russia, and the world sang Kumbaya.”

And in a related story the national IQ seems to have plummeted once a large section of the country discovered there was something called the Bill of Rights.

But hey who is really to say that with abortion being made illegal that cases of babies born with more than ten toes into christian families will dramatically increase. I mean really who is to say but God, well God is the one who will ever truly know.

That Mike Pence is a just a Gomer Goebbels in waiting.

As evolution holds its breath

And with increasing impatience we wait

for someone

Anyone

to come out of the closet with

a proper remix

of

We Shall Overcome.

His wife said, hangover or not, you rarely make sense.

He was doing his best

but all the killin was killin him

in return.

Tried,

turning over a new leaf 

tried sleeping on his head in the shadows

either way he believed

 there would be

a new breed of bitches

needed to save the day.

Life had never truly been a utopia

Nor could he ever pass his ideal

through

the eye of a needle.

For the backend of ideals

are always

a bit too fat in the hips

of reality, anyway.

But that’s the way he claimed

to like it.

Deniers be damned.

don’t you agree?

at least on this

for today at least

lets forget about

that.

The Universe and I and the all the flavors of happiness.

So, the Universe and I decided to treat ourselves to some ice cream. And not just any ice cream but some Italian Gelatto. So we headed over to the Garrone Ijssalon just around the corner from the shop. “The best in Haarlemtown,” stated the Universe. I could only agree.

Amazing how even in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the week and there is a line out the door. Ok, so it has been around 25 degrees all week and well with this type of weather, who doesn’t want some ice cream? We waited patiently in the cue and eventually came to the old school cash register. The girl behind the register asked what we wanted. The Universe looked over all the cup sizes, a puzzled expression on its face.

“I would like a cup with three flavors please.” I said.

The Universe looked at me “that’s it?”

“That is my standard. And yes it is always enough.”

“Uhmm, can I have a cup for eight flavors please.” ordered the Universe.

“So.” I laughed.

We got our receipt and patiently waited in line to be helped by one of the young ladies behind the ice cream counter. The Universe craning its kneck to see what special flavors awaited tasting.

“Who can I help please?”

The Universe thrusted the receipt forward, “We are next!”

The girl took the receipt from the Universe and looked it over. She grabbed a small cup and a what larger one.

“Who had the cup with three flavors?”

“That is me.” I answered.

The girl looked at me for my instructions.

“Pistachio, Tiramisu, and Creme Brulee please.”

The girl dug into the ice cream display case and whipped my three flavors into the cup. Topping it with a waffle cookie and small pink plastic spoon.

“Here you are. Enjoy.” She said handing the gelatto cup over the counter to me.

“Oh, I will, thank you.” I said smiling.

I shuffled down the line towards the exit to make room for the next customers but waited to see what the Universe would be ordering.

“What can I do for you?” asked the girl to the Universe.

“Uhmmmm….uhhhh…” stammered the Universe, its eyeballs glazing over, attempting to take in all the colors and possible flavors in the display case.

“Can I try that one please?” the Universe said, pointing to a dark cremey looking chocolate flavor.

The girl scooped a small amount onto a plastic spoon and handed it to the Universe. The Universe put the spoon its mout hand licked off the ice cream. The Universes face lit up. An expression not unlike that of a small child crossed the Universes face.

“That is delicious,” said the Universe. “I will have that one and that one and that one and that one…” The Universe started pointing at random ice creams in the display case.

“Sorry, I lost patience to taste, I just want some gelatto.” Said the Universe to me.

“I’ll meet you outside.” I said.

I stood outside the Garrone and ate my ice cream while watching the people coming and going along the Grote Houtstraat. The line inside continued to reach outside the shops doors. Children hopped around, parents looked at their phones, Grandparents fell asleep in the few chairs under the umbrellas.

The Universe walked out of the shop, that big smile plastered on its face.

“Shall we walk?” I asked.

“Let’s.” Said the Universe.

So we walked the down the Grote Houtstraat admiring the awfulness of consumer choice.

At the end of the street we cut left and then back up the Gierstraat. We admired the small independent shops, wondered how each afforded to pay the rent, the aggressiveness of the cyclists and the stupidity of those walking in the middle of the street. It was nice to be out and about in the city.

We got back to shop, my ice cream long finished. The Universe was holding its stomach, its skin tone a shade not unlike that of my pistachio ice cream.

“You ok?” I asked.

“Uh, I don’t feel to well. I think I ate too much gelatto.”

“Come in and sit down then.”

“I think I need to use your bathroom if that is ok?” moaned the Universe.

“Yeah of course, go ahead.”

The Universe made a b-line for the toilet. I heard a loud groan eminate from behind the door. I figured the Universe would be in there for awhile. I went back outside and sat down in one of the chairs outside of the shop and lit a cigarette. My stomach growled, my bowels clenched and I hoped that the Universe would make it’s shit, relatively quick, though knew all to well that there was some good reading material there next to the bowl.