When Steve King, Republican Congressman for the loose state of Iowa awoke

When Steve King, Republican Congressman for the loose state of Iowa awoke, he felt glorious.  A long night of deep restful sleep had left the Congressman feeling more powerful than usual.  “The King” as his local supporters called him sprang from his bed and immediately began his daily regiment of excercises.  Push ups, sit ups, squats.  The King felt his power surgng through his body.  For a man of seventy The King was extremely proud of his fysiek.  After his workout, The King hit the showers and scrubbed himself clean.  Standing naked in the bathroom The King wiped the steam from the mirror.  Inspecting his face he felt pride overwhelm him.  That is until he noticed the small red sore that formed overnight upon his top lip.  Leaning closer into the mirror, The King eyeballed the red lession.  “Marilyn!” he called out to his wife, “Marilyn can you get up here now!” From downstairs The King’s wife called out, “Not now Steve, I am busy with my series.” And The King leaned closer to the mirror, his face almost pressing up against it.  “What the fuck is this?” he mumbled to himself.  Memories of university days spend by the campus infirmary

Flashed through The Kings mind. How or why could his herpes be returning now?  For The King was to be a featured guest on a Fox News panel that evening and going on national television to bemoan the Democratic conspiracies corrupting the great nation with a herpes sore on his upper lip would not be good.  “Well they must have good makeup artists,”the King thought to himself.  “Look what they can for Tucker Carlson.  That guy is one big STD.”

“Marilyn, I need your coverup! Where the fuck is it? Can you please get your ass up here, now!” called the Congressman to his wife, once again. “Oh Steve, what is it now? Goddamit you are such a pain in the ass sometime!” said the Congressmans wife as she pressed pause on her Netflix and made her way up the stairs to the bathroom.  When she opend the door and found her husband standing there naked, all congressional shrivelled white cock, grey hairs and red flaming herpe sore, she sighed and dropped her shoulders.  “Oh, for Gods sake, Steven.  Another damn herpe sore.  When will you ever learn to stop kissing the babies of crackwhores.”  “Just give me the damn coverup, will you.” snapped the Congressman, already thinking ahead about doing tequila shots with Tucker Carlson after the taping.

Why Senator Chuck Grassley always has to keep an extra gavel by the hand and out the reach of Lindsey Graham.

Even as a small child Lindsey Graham, United States Senator for the state of South Carolina, had a pension for sticking random foreign objects up his rectum.  Now, dear reader you might just cough and say uh hum to shrug off the uncomfortabilty of having such information shared with ya’ll.  But in such a time as the present day of now and the way we as a community have reshaped the ideas of sharing information, lest this writer say, the manifest destiny that is full disclosure. Well then it is with this in mind dear reader that i do so feel compelled to share a little story with you.  For the young Lindsey Graham, way before he had become the great Senator of the fine state of South Carolina had a pension for inserting objects of varied sizes into the orifice of his anal cavity and this had almost lead to the bankruptcy of his own parents.

Now this pension, as I have call it, was in no way related to young Lindsey having any proclivity towards feelings of a homosexual nature.  No, no, no, young Lindsey was as John Wayne hetero as any American soldier could be back in the late 1950’s.  But somewhere during the formative years of young Lindsey’s life did this inclination to insert objects up his ass begin. 

Back in the day, Lindsey’s parents, Millie and Florence James, or as townsfolk used to call him F.J. ran a restaraunt/bar/pool/hall/liquor store called the Sanitary Cafe.  Now young Lindsey liked to hang round the joint helping out his ma and pa with all sorts of chores.  From mopping the floors, to shucking the corn for the sweet breads, to refilling the whiskey bottles with water, Lindsey liked to stay busy.  But one of young Lindsey’s favorite things to do was, on a busy Saturday evening, while the Sanitary Cafe was bustling with young lovers, service men and women on leave and local farmer boys looking to bust a nut, was to steal the cue ball off of the pool table and hide it.  Lindsey just thought that this was the funniest thing since Howdy Doodie Time.  And time and time again young Lindsey would steal the cue ball and hide it somewhere in the Sanitary Cafe, only to have his irritated mother or father find it hidden in the ice bin or in a jar of marinating pig ears.  Millie and F.J. were able to see the fun and mischief in what young Lindsey was doing so they never ever got truly mad.  Though the pool sharks and hustlers tended to lose a bit of patience with the young boy now and again.  Some would even try to rough up the young lad.  But F.J. didn’t tolerate none of that nonsense in his establishment.  The Sanitary Cafe was a place for good christians. Now young Lindsey did not like them hustler boys and pool pimps, one bit.  So to annoy the hustlers and pool table pimps that much more, Lindsey continued to hide not only the cue ball but the 8 ball too in a place that nobody would suspect.  Legend has it that the Sanitary Cafe almost went belly up replacing all those missing cue balls and 8 balls.  Lindsey himself had always kept it a secret from his beloved parents, never once admitting to having stolen the countless number of billiard balls.  Nor did her ever ever tell the story of how he smuggled all them billiard balls out of the Sanitary Cafe to anyone except his good friend and confidant Mitch McConnell, the Senator from the greasy state of Kentucky.

(who related this very story to this impresionable journalist during an afternoon of one too many banana daiquari’s during a happy hour at a TGIF’s in downtown D.C.)

Now back behind the shed at the Graham’s family home in South Carolina, one might to this very day, find a hole deep enough to bury close to 63 cue and 8 balls, yes 63 cue and 8 balls smuggled up the ass of a future Senator of the United States of America.  And if you happened to look closely at the Senator Grahams facial expressions during yesterdays testimonial hearings of Brett “full body weight” Kavanaugh and Christine “fuck you guys I just wanna go home” Ford, well one could see clearly that the proclivities of a once young man, had been carried over into adulthood.  Making it no wonder that chairman of the house committee in charge of the Kavanaugh hearings, Senator Chuck Grassley from the loose state of Iowa, had to always keep an extra gavel on hand and out of reach of Lindsey Graham.

Outing myself for the asshole I may have used to be

Outing myself for the asshole I may have used to be

Growing up in the T & A 1980’s of America

The grabbiness of the european arthouse

all the juvenille jerkoff films

the naughty revenge of computer nerds

and the gosh darn it goof balls who in the end

defeated and deflated the ego’s of the jocks

were my teenage heroes

But i have to wonder if

watching hours after hours

of cable television did not corrupt me

and did watching Porky’s over and over

turn me into a pubescent hormonal pig?

When Lewis stole Stan’s Darth Vader costume

and had tricked Betty into having sex with him

in Revenge of the Nerds

was that not date rape and

why did all of us dudes

find this so funny?

I look back and reassess where

I may have digressed

how some of my behavior was not all that best,

wondering what all these films where

women were spied upon from behind peepholes,

where dresses were torn off

and where deception was used so

young men could get their dicks wet.

I wonder what did this teach us about

sex and respect.

And during those conservative PMRC Reagan years

was this some sort of failure of filmmakers,

a poisend idea of the free love 60’s

and decadance of the 70’s.

All this embarasses me now

and even though I can’t change

some of my own misbehavior

from my past

I look to teach my own nerdy son better

about sex and respect

for all of the women he may

ever have the oppurtunity to know

and possibly be intimate

with.

So they can laugh together

at their shared awkwardness

when discovering the world

of sex.

After Thursday

She said be a good boy – and clean up the blood

on the bottom of the steps.

He lifted himself from the floor to the first

one hand holding the brunt of his weight upon the second step

a beetroot smile gleamed from inbetween his teeth.

“America, my mothers, my sisters, my daughters!” he moaned.

How could you? After all that I have done for you.”

She stood above him, her boot resting

upon the back of his neck.

Slowly applying a pressure

that had been building up

since their first date, she laughed

and said, “don’t you mean,

done to you?”

And she pressed her boot down

upon the back of his neck

his fat lips kissing the

stained carpeting upon the stairs

while using his American Express Gold card

to pick a piece of broccoli rabe out

from between her teeth,

“Maybe, when we are done here

we should go out and get a beer."

she said,

"For I got a feeling that we both

still may have some explaining to

do.”

A hut in the woods is no place for Ben Carson,Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

When United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson found himself wandering in the woods, having no recollection of how he gotten there, he shrugged his shoulders and just walked on.

            Humming a gospel to himself, Ben admired the trees and the leaves, the sticks at his feet and the moss growing up and over it all.  A bird called out and Ben called back to the bird. 

            The bird swooped down and landed upon Ben’s shoulder and tweeted hello.

Ben took out his mobile phone and tweeted hello back to the bird.  The bird looked down at what Ben was doing and then said, “hey dummy, I tweet cause I am a bird and birds tweet. You are a human being and humans talk, so talk to me, don’t send me a fucking tweet you dumbass.”

            And Ben smiled and laughed his cute unassuming laugh and said “oh, you are so right Mr. Bird, I do so apologise.  If it had been God’s will for a bird to send me a tweet via Twitter then he would have given a bird thumbs.  So Mr.Bird, can you tell me what I am doing out here in the woods?”  And the bird looked at Ben, picked a deertick out of his afro and said “look man, if you don’t know why you are out here, then you don’t know why you are anywhere.” And the bird flew away and Ben said “Bye bye, Mr. Bird.  Thank you and tweet tweet.”

            Ben continued walking further into the woods, admiring the sky above him and the land below him.  Up ahead he noticed a full grown Buck with a head full of mighty antlers.  The Buck stood still staring at the approaching ex-neurosurgeon.  Ben stopped about 10 yards away from the Buck and said “Well hello Mr.Buck, good day to you.  Maybe you can help me.  I seem to be a bit lost and am unsure why I am here in the woods at all?” 

            And the Buck looked at Ben and said, “Hey buddy, you obviously choose the wrong path to follow and if you’re lost it is probably your own fault.”  And Ben replied, “well if that is the case then I believe that Jesus will help rectify my situation and show me the safe way out of the woods.”  The Buck who was only half listening, replied, “I am glad you feel that way buddy, good luck with that.”  The Buck walked off into the woods and Ben began humming his gospel again. 

            And Ben saw that storm clouds above his head were turning the woods darker and darker.  In the distance Ben could hear the sound of thunder rumbling and a cold breeze began to blow through the woods.  Drops of rain began to fall through the leaves of the trees.  Ben felt a storm coming. 

            Quickening his pace through the woods, Ben came across a small hut built out of sticks and leaves and mud and moss.  There was a small door to the hut and Ben tried to push it open.  But the hut was locked.  The rain began to fall harder and harder and thunder and lightening began to fill the woods with an ominious tension.  Ben began to feel a sense of fear overcome him.  With all his might Ben pushed the door open to the hut.  The door gave way and flew open.  Ben fell into the hut and quickly slammed the door closed behind him.  Using the light from his cellphone, Ben was able to see around inside the hut.  The hut was empty.  No bed, no table, no chair, no nothing, no central heating.  Ben was relieved to be out of the rain and felt the fear that had overcome him begin to fade away.  He felt safe, for shelter from a storm is one thing that makes a man feel safe and secure. 

            A bolt of lightening lit up the hut and the thunder clap shook the ground beneath him.  Then Ben heard a knock on the door.  Ben waited, as that sense of fear crept back into him.  The knock came once again, louder.  Ben walked over to the door and slowly opened it.  Outside the door stood an American Black bear.  “Hello, can I help you?” said Ben to the bear.  The bear stood up upon its hind legs and and with its front left paw removed a letter from under its fur.  “Mr.Carson," the bear began reading from the letter, "you have illegally taken up residence in a FEMA home not entitled for your inhabitation.  As a governmental appointed guardian of these woods, I am hereby enforced to serve you notice to vacate the premises immediately or I will be within my rights to either arrest you or maul you to death, as governmental bears are trained to do.” 

            Ben stood there in the small hut in the middle of the forest.  For a moment he had even forgotten that he had no idea why he was in the woods in the first place.  Ben began humming the gospel again and contimplated his situation.  He was a well educated man and knew that he could either stand his ground against the opression of this great black bear or run and flee back into the haunted woods of fear and temptation.  The Black bear just stood there impatienly waiting.  From behind the first bear a second one appeared and asked “hey man, what’s the hold up?”  The first bear repsonded by saying, “this motherfucker claims that he doesn’t know what he’s doing here and seems to be refusing to leave.”  Ben just stood there humming his gospel, smiling at the bears. “Well just tase his stupid ass and we’ll drag him out of here for trespassing.”  The first bear looked at the second, “You know what, fuck it, this dude ain't worth all the paperwork?  Let’s just get out of here and leave him be to rot.”  The bears snorted at Ben then turned and walked back into the woods.

            Ben closed the door to the hut then sat down on the ground.  Still humming his gospel, he returned to wondering why in the first place he was out here in the woods.  The rain began to fall even harder upon the roof of the hut.  He figured as always that Jesus had a plan for him.  A small leak in the roof had caused a puddle of mud to start forming on the floor.  Ben began to pray that the rain would not flood the hut.  Then he began to hum the gospel even louder.

The day Dana Loesch, spokeswoman for the NRA decided to play Russian Roulette with a her Barbie dolls.

           It was a beautiful spring day that Dana Loesch spokeswoman for the NRA was back in her hometown of Arnold, Missouri visiting her aging parents.  On that Sunday in April, Dana was home as her parents were off visiting relatives that Dana had had a falling out with some years earlier. 

            Back in the bedroom of her youth Dana looked around at all her memories.  Her parents had left her room just as it had been when she was a child.  Debate team awards, cheerleading trophies, honor roll certificates all hung were Dana had hung them back in High School.  There in the corner of the room Dana noticed her old toy chest.  Dana got down on her knees before the chest and lifted the lid.  Inside were all of her old Barbie dolls.  Perfume Dream Barbie, Peaches’n Cream Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Happy Holidays Barbie, Golden Dream Barbie and Fabulous Fur Barbie.  Dana took each Barbie out of the toy chest and looked it over like a child unwrapping presents on Christmas morning.  Each was in pristine condition, all the clothing pieces and shoes intact.  Collectors items. 

            Dana scooped up all the Barbies into her arms then took them downstairs to the dining room.  She then sat each Barbie around the table.  From her purse Dana removed her 5 cylinder 357 Magnum Ruger LCR handgun.  Dana opened the cylinder and slid one bullet into the chamber.  Then she spun it and clicked it closed. Dana set the Ruger down in the middle of the table and spun the gun.  The Ruger spun and spun, then slowed to a stop.  The barrel of the gun pointed at Peaches’n Cream Barbie. 

“Well then Pacifist Peaches’n Cream I guess you get to go first.” said Dana as she lifted the gun from the table, released the safety and put it to the side of the Barbies head.  Dana squeezed the trigger and the gun clicked.  Peaches’n Cream Babrie smiled into the distance.  “Ok, then who is next?” asked Dana as she put the gun back down on the table and spun it.  The Barbies smiled and waited for the gun to stop.  This time it stopped in front of Happy Holidays Barbie.  Dana picked up the gun and held it to Happy Holidays Barbie’s head.  “In God’s America we say Merry Christmas and not Happy fucking Holiday’s, isn’t that right you Liberal Loving Snowflake Barbie?”

Dana squeezed the trigger of the Ruger and the gun fired, exploding the plastic head of Happy Holidays Barbie.  The bullet flew through the dining room and piercing a hole in the kitchen window, finally logging itself in a great oak tree in her parents backyard. The headless Barbie lay slumped over on the ground.  The rest of the Barbies looked on and continued to smile.  “Bummer, that was faster than I expected.  I didn’t even get my turn.” said Dana.  Then she scooped up the rest of the Barbies and brought them up to her room where she dumped them back into the toy chest. 

When Dana came back downstairs her parents were just walking into the house.  The smell of gunpowder hung in the air.  Her father noticed the headless Barbie in the dining room just as her mother found the bullet hole in the kitchen window.  Both parents looked at one another and shook their heads. As Dana walked into the kitchen her mother turned to her father and said “oh dear, I was so hoping that one day she would grow out of this behavior.”  Her father just shook his head and smiled at his baby girl.

The day Ted Cruz smiled and the tarantulas began crawling out from behind his gums.

The doctor and the dentist looked across the desk at Senator Ted Cruz.  The Senator was nervous, sweat drops formed across his square forehead.  The doctor offered Cruz a tissue.  Cruz used his suit jacket sleeze instead.

The dentist let out a deep and sigh and said “Ted, well what we got here is one of those good news, bad news situations.”

Cruz nodded his head and mumbled, “Uh huh, well let me just say...”

The dentist interupted Cruz and continued.  “Now, you see here Ted, the spider eggs that were layed in your nostrils have somehow made their way down through your nasal cavity and into your mouth where they have formed a nest imbedded in your gums.  That in itself is not such a bad or dangerous thing but…we will have to operate and remove part of your jaw to remove the spider nest.  You will be unable to speak for a number of months.  And well we all know how much you love to talk and the people of Texas do need to hear what you have to say.

Ted looked to the ceiling to see if God was looking down upon him.  All he found in the ceiling above him was a water stain in the shape of the Presidents head.  Cruz shuddered, unclasping his hands and rubbing his sweaty palms upon the legs of his suit pants.

The doctor continued.  “Ted, the bad news unfortunately is…is that the spiders have also left traces of eggs in the front base of your brain.  For this we will have to perform a full frontal lobotomy.  We all know what the side effects of the procedure will be.  But you have to trust that in the end it is all for the better.  Under his breath the dentist mumbled, “better for mankind that is.”

Ted Cruz sat quietly pondering this news.  The dentist and the doctor were both busy on their smart phones apping confirmation of their dominatrix appointments for later that afternoon.  Cruz began to pray quietly in his chair.  After a few moments the doctor interupted, “Ted, I am sorry that we had to deliver this news to you but we both have other patients to see.  You can make an appointment for the surgery with the receptionist on the way out.” 

Cruz rose from his chair, shook hands with both the doctor and the dentist then turned to leave the office.  Then he stopped.  Turning to the doctor and the dentist his eyes beaming more ratlike then ever, he said, “but what if we just left the spider eggs where they are?  How bad could that turn out to be? 

The doctor and dentist looked at one another then began whispering back and forth.  Nodding their heads and then shaking hands, the men turned to Cruz and the dentist said, “Well Ted, if your game then we’re game too.  Why don’t we just wait and find out.”

It was a week later that the tarantulas began crawling out from behind Ted Cruz’s gums and out of his nostrils.  What the prognosis for the Senator would be was still up in the air.  If only the spider eggs had hatched a few days earlier then maybe the outcome of the election would have been different than what it was.

How I had to step up and just let the human race expire.

The invasion had ended as abruptly as it had started. After all the years of films and literature dealing with an alien invasion, not a soul on earth saw it coming. Truly “out of the blue” the aliens had arrived in the earths atmosphere and set to task wiping out humanity. How or why I survived, at that moment I had no idea. It had all happened so fast. A blast of intense light and every other living creature was gone. I stumbled out into the street in a daze.
When the aliens scooped me up from the fetal position in the middle of the street outside of my home I was in a state of shock. Yet somehow I could understand that they were communicating with me and I was not afraid. If the aliens were communicating to me telephatically or verbally, I can’t recall. Whatever it was that they were going to do to me at that moment I had no choice in the matter.
I awoke standing naked in the middle of a large room, surrounded by hundreds of floating orbs of light humming around me. The orbs gave off a warmth that heated my body. Slowly the orbs began to give way to an even larger orb of light coming towards me from a distance. This larger orb settled itself just before me. Once again I felt the orbs communicating with me. Somehow I understood that this orb was telling me that they had been forced to exterminate the human race for the betterment of the rest of the universe. That the effect of human society on the rest of the universe had reached detrimental proportions. To save the rest of the universe and what lay beyond, humanity had to be wiped out. It had all been done without malice and as painless as possible; that the aliens were even sorry that it had come to this. The reason they had kept me alive was in the hope of giving the human race a reboost, a second chance. I was not special but had by chance won their version of a lottery and that maybe if humanity started from scratch things on earth would evolve differently.
I stood there and nodded in understanding. Even in my state of shock, of having lost everything that meant anything to me, I got it, I understood. That aliens would take pre-emptive measures to save themselves from us, was not beyond comprehension. Without actually speaking I said to the orb of light before me that I understood their reasoning. I continued by nonverbally saying that I was sure that they as a race already knew that for humans to procreate a new partner for myself was necessary. The orb of light before me communicated back to me that they had already sorted that out.
From a distance I could make out the image of a woman walking towards me. She was tall, blonde, thin. My libido quickly told my brain that I would have no problem procreating with this woman. The aliens understood this and began to glow brighter. As the woman approached I began to hear her the voice of the woman shouting.
“I am in no way playing Eve to this Jew Adam. No, no no! Why couldn’t you stupid aliens have saved one pure white blooded american man to restart this all with me.”
Slowly, from somewhere out of the recesses of my mind, I began to recognize the woman from somewhere. Then it dawned on me. The erection that had formed shrank to its normal size. And I thought, why oh why oh why had the aliens gotten rid of everyone on the planet accept me and the white nationalist radio host Lana Lotkeff. What a fucking bummer. If I had won the lottery well then the human race was lost.
I looked to the large orb of light in front of me and communicated with it.
“I am sorry man but there is no hope for humanity. Please either just kill me or let me be because this woman and I will in no way be giving a reboost to anything. It’s just not gonna happen, sorry.” The orbs of lights around me began to dim. I felt a cold chill in the chamber. I began to worry. Then it came to me.
And I said without speaking, “why give a failed species like humans a reboost? Why not hook me up with one of your own. An alien and an earthling, who knows what the potential may be for the universe? This woman here ain’t going to cut it for me. So it is either her or me.”
The orbs of light began to hum and glow, flickering faster and faster as if they were in conversation with one another. During all of this Lana Lotkeff kept yelling and complaing about the aliens around her. “White power this, white power that, I ain’t doing shit with this big nosed jew,” on and on she kept complaining. All of a sudden the each orb of light went dark, all except for the large one before me. In that instance all the hundreds of now darkened orbs fell upon Lotkeff and pummeled her into a liquid substance covered in stringy bloned hair. And then there I was, the last human being alive. I smiled knowing that I was dealing with an intelligent life form. The orbs began glowing a rainbow of different colors, humming about me. From a distance I noticed a pink glowing orb moving towards me and I asked the glowing orb before me if their species believed in karma.

Brett Kavanaugh has a soul made of Naugahyde.

Brett Kavanaugh smiled as he sat down in the adjacent waiting room just before the confirmational hearings for his Supreme Court seat would begin. Content and self secure he took a sip of the latte that one of his lackey’s had fetched for him from the Starbucks across the street. An attendant opened the door on the far side of the room and told the judge that they would be ready for him a few minutes. Asked if he needed anything, Brett smiled and said no thank you. 

Brett closed his eyes and began to meditate on the last bit pornography that he had watched earlier this morning before leaving the house. Brett’s wife Ashely had already left the house, having kissed her husband on the forehead and wishing him good luck. Her lesbian lover had texted her that morning and insisted that they meet at the IHOP before going to their usual spot where they would scissor into the early afternoon before Ashely had to help at the church.

Brett breathed in and out, timing his breathing to the rhythm of the penetrations of all the penises that he had scanned through that morning. He felt flush but relaxed. He knew that the rest of his life and any sense of self control was in reach. To be confirmed to the Supreme Court would mean that all of the deviance that he had accumulated over the course of his career would be squashed. He would be untouchable. Guaranteed as a power player for the rest of his life he knew that destiny was on his side.

The door leading to the conformation chamber opened and Satan poked his head in, “Hey Brett, you little bitch, don’t fuck this shit up. we are all counting on you.” The door closed, only to quickly re-open, as Jesus himself floated across the floor, taking Brett by the hand, elevating him out of the expanded polyvinyl chloride plastic coating of the naugahyde seat and through escorting him into the chamber where the lions lay waiting.