donderdag 4 oktober 2018

When Addison Mitchell McConnell the senior Republican Senator from the state of Kentucky awoke on Thanksgiving morning he immediately knew that something was amiss.

               When Addison Mitchell McConnell the senior Republican Senator from the state of Kentucky awoke on Thanksgiving morning he immediately knew that something was amiss.  The Senate Majority Leader had trouble rolling over in bed and when he finally was able to noticed that his wife Elaine was already up.  This seemed strange to Mitch, as he was usually the first to rise in the morning.  He believed firmly in the statement and every Republican victory would be due to his get up and go’ness.  But this morning Mitch was having trouble getting up and going.  Attempting to get out of bed lead to the Senator falling to the floor.  When he was able to set himself upright he did his best to walk to the bathroom down the hall.  A walk that usually took less then 10 seconds now seemed to take him 10 minutes. Bumping into the walls and tripping over the carpeting, Mitch felt drunk, unable to find his own footing.  Once in the bathroom Mitch then realized that he was staring up at the sink which was strange for a man who stood 5 feet 7 inches.  Mitch looked around for the bariatric shower stool that he used but found that he was unable to use his arms to reach out and move it.  Somehow or another in the next moment Mitch found himself standing upon the countertop of the bathroom sink.  There in the reflection of the mirror he no longer saw the handsome reflection of the Republican Senate Majority Leader, but that of what appeared to be himself, transformed overnight into a wild turkey.  Mitch screamed but all he heard was “gooble gooble, gooble gooble.”  He screamed again and again but still all that he heard come out of his own beak was “gooble gooble.”  Mitch began to frantically flutter his wings, causing him to fly into the bathroom mirror, cracking it then landing bewildered and scared on the bathroom floor.  Getting back on his turkey toes Mitch began running as fast as he could upon his new turkey legs back down the hall.  At the top of the stairs Mitch stumbled, throwing himself down the stairs and landed in the foyer before the kitchen with a thud.  He heard his wife Elaine call out to him, “Mitchell, dear are you ok?  Brett is here to help us slaughter the Thanksgiving turkey.”  Mitch waddled his turkey walk into the kitchen, his snood becoming a bright red, his turkey neck flapping side to side.  “Gooble Gooble Gooble,” said Mitch.  There in the kitchen Mitch found his wife Elaine accompained by the newly ratified Supreme Court Judge Brett “the can crusher” Kavanaugahyde.  “Oh my,” said Elaine, “it looks like our Thanksgiving turkey has gotten out of its cage.  Where is Mitchell now anyway?”  Elaine looked over at Brett who was busy sharpening his cutting knives.  “Well Brett I hate to hold you up and I do so appreciate you helping out with the decapitation of our holiday bird.  Why don’t you just go ahead with what you have to do.”  Brett smiled, his eyes glassed over from having just a few too many brews the night before.  “No problem Elaine, you just tell Mitch that I was by.”  And with that Kavanaugahyde sprung like a young lacrosse player across the kitchen counter, snatching the bewildered Senate Majority turkey up under his arm.  With his free hand he held the Republican turkey down upon the kitchen counter, then climbed on top of it, using his knees to pin down its wings.  Mitch squawked and squawked, attempting to flutter out from up the weight of the Judge.  Brett used one hand to cover the turkey’s mouth and with the other he raised up the sharpened kitchen knife.  With one quick swoop, Brett sliced the head of the Senate Majority Leader clear off.  As the blood from the decapitated head oozed into the kitchen sink and the body of the headless turkey squawked and flapped around the kitchen spraying Republican turkey blood everywhere, Elaine wondered out loud, “where the hell has that man gone off too? ”  Brett leaned back upon the kitchen counter, wiping the blood from his knife upon a kitchen towel engraved with the emblem of the skull and bones and asked Elaine, “so do you put beer in your stuffing?  I love stuffing.  You got any beer?”  The wife of the Senate Majority Leader opened the fridge and pulled out a Corona.  “Brett would you like a lime with it?”

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