dinsdag 10 juli 2018

So, the Universe and I decided to stop off at the Koffieterras in the local garden center.

So, the Universe and I decided to stop off at the Koffieterras in the local garden center.  The Universe had texted me something about needing a carnivorous plant and I had texted back, “a what?”  And the Universe texted back, “you know a flesh eating plant.”  And I replied “oh yeah, feed me Seymour.” And the Universe was like “yeah, haha that.  Pick me up at noon.”
            When the Universe got in the van I asked, “so why do you need a flesh eating plant?”
And the Universe spoke onto me and said “why so nosey?”
And I said, “it’s a jew thing.” And winked.
So the Universe laughed, “that I know already.”
And I said, “no really, why do you want an Audrey II?”
And the Universe looked at me all crosseyed, I get your jokes, like “All the damn fruit flies in my kitchen, that’s why. It’s driving me crazy.  I got four white wine vinegar traps in my kitchen but I still have the little buggers all over the place.  I figure a flesh eating plant could help do the trick and get rid of them.”
“Good plan, man.” I said. “Ya know, I tried keeping flesh eating plants a number of times before but they always died on me.”
The Universe looked at me crosseyed again.
“I think that I will just get a succulent, they are a lot easier to take care of.” I said with a sigh.
“You do just that.” Said the Universe, as we pulled into the parking lot of the garden center.

            The Universe found the flesh eating plant it was looking for and I found a succulent that I could afford.  We were enjoying talking to all the plants, conspiring to help liberate as many of them as possible from their plant prison. The Universe decided that we both needed a coffee.  Amazingly right there in the center of the garden center was a koffieterras.  “What a luxurious world we live in do we not?” stated the Universe, picking up a tray and sliding it down the line of the buffet.  “What do you want?  My treat.” said the Universe.
“Oh, wow.” I said, “are you high or something?” I said with a hint of sarcasm in my voice. 
“Dude, remember that little joint we smoked in your van before coming in here?  We are both a little high aren’t we?”
“Oh, I guess so.” I said, my eyes admiring the succulent in my hands.
“So, what do you want?” asked the Universe again, this time with a small hint of annoyance in its voice.
“Coffee, black.  And a tosti.  With ketchup. Thanks.”
“So,” said the Universe.  “Live large often?”
“Everyday.” I replied.
The Universe ordered a coffee with warm milk and a piece of apple pie
“You drink your coffee with milk?” I asked, somewhat suprised.
“Yeah, why?”
“I thought the Universe drank its coffee black.  That’s all.” I said.
“The Universe likes its coffee like it likes its galaxies, milky.” 
“Lame,” I said. “just lame.”

At the table, the Universe took out a small pocket knife.  It made a slice in its palm and dripped some blood into the opening of the flesh eating plants “mouth.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Just curious.” Answered the Universe with a wink.
“Why not give it some of this gross ham from my tosti.” I said, peeling the ham from between the soggy white bread and half melted processed cheese.
“These plants don’t eat ham, man.” Said the Universe, while pushing the floppy greasy piece of ham aside.
“Why is it a fucking kosher maneating plant?” I asked. 
“Yeah, it only eats foreskins.”  Laughed the Universe.
I laughed even harder.

My tosti had been shit, the coffee weak but being amongst the plant life had been a breath of fresh air.  The succulent looked very nice in the window of the shop.  Last I heard the Universe had ended going to the Blokker and up buying a bunch of those sticky fly traps.  The flesh eating plant the Universe had bought turned out to be vegetarian.  Go figure.  Who would have thought it possible?  Then again, the lesson learned, weird shit happens when you get even just a little bit stoned before going to the garden center.

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