Most just stood there, stroking their chins in contemplation, heads slightly tilted to one side or the other. How the Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan had actually gotten his head lodged up the actual asshole of the President was chinesse enigma. Now this in itself was not the only question perplexion any longer. It was all quite out in the open and apparent when it came to how these sort of things happened nowadays. The question at that moment that was going around the Hill and in the White House was how “they” were to get the Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan’s head free from the colonic grips of the 45th President. A solution for this modern problem was confounding a plagued nation.
The powers that be, that actually still cared, conveened on the 2nd Thursday of the 7th month to compile a strategic list of viable options of how to extract the proboscis head of the Speaker from the House from the raging anal cavaity of the the 45th President of the United States of America. The first idea on the list came from David Osborne (R), the Speaker of the House of the Kentucky House of Representatives since 2017. Now, Representative Osborne had a brave and bold idea; that the only way to save Repr. Ryan, (whose oxygen levels were depleting by the minute) was to call out the Colonel. All the other powers that bet hat still cared, that had taken part in the emergency meeting were in agreement. It was time to put a call into the Colonel. Repr. Osborne (R) claimed to have the Colonel on speed dial. Some Republicans thought he was showing off, while others figured that it was possible considering that both the Representative and the Colonel were from Kentucky and that it was actually possible that someone as simple of Osborne might actually know the Colonel personally. The Colonel may have had to call on the Rep. for a favor from time to time. Anyway, the call was made and the Colonel’s people said that the Colonel was free that day and would be honored to help out the country in a time of crisis. The Colonel said he would be in Washington before the clock struck 12 noon.
And low and behold, two minutes before the clock in the Oval office clanged 12 noon, the Colonel and his entourage had arrived at the White House via the south gate. The Colonel, escorted by a few handlers and a crew of minimum wage slave laborers, along with Repr. Osborne (R) in tow, were lead to the Oval Office were the President sat rather awkwardly to watch Fox News. The Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan’s head was still up the President poop shoot and the President used the shoulders of the Speaker Ryan as a stool to sit upon. The President was intently watching Fox News, with a somewhat constipated look upon his face. The President’s aides were unsure if this was due to the President having someones head phyically up his ass or the continious mention of the President and some pee pee tape that he may have or may not have, starred in. Anyway…the Colonel and his crew of minimum wage slave laborers were escorted into the Oval Office and introduced to the President. The Colonel said in his best regal southern drawl “Mister President, Colonel Sanders is here to serve you and our great nation in a time of need. So, if you wouldn’t mind sir, my team of minimum wage slave laborer’s and I will proceed with freeing the honorbale Mr. Ryan’s head from your derrière.” The President turned his attention from the television towards the Colonel and said “Colonel Sanders, it is an honor and a privelege to have such a great American here to help free me from such an uncomfortable burden. Please go ahead, do whatever you gotta do to get this jabroni’s head out of my asshole. Tossing the salad of the President is one thing but Ryan was a bit too enthusiatic this time.” The President then farted and a muffled grunt was heard from the Presidents bottom. The body of Paul Ryan shuddered and then fell still.
Colonel Sanders set his mimimun wage slave laborers to covering the floor and walls of the Oval Office with sheets of thick plastic. The Colonel instructed the Presidents aides to undress the President and Speaker of the House of Represenative’s Paul Ryan. When the Oval office was covered wall to wall in plastic and the two men joined by the head and asshole like two lego blocks, had been stripped naked, the Colonel and his crew set to work. 24 Family buckets of extra cripsy chicken with assorted sauces, 100 sides of mashed potatoes and gravy and 131 biscuits was loaded into the Oval Office. The Colonel started direction his minimum wage slave labor on how and were to apply the grease from the chicken skin to the bodies of the the two men. Peeled extra cripsy chicken skin was rubbed along the extremities of the Presidents genitals, while the kneck of the Speaker of the House was massaged with mashed potatoes and gravy. Using a turkey baster that had been sequestered from the White House kitchen, the Colonel personally injected chicken grease and mashed potatoes into the rectum of the President in an attmept to lube up the anal cavity from inside. The remaining skinless chicken was feed to the President piece by piece. Each piece dipped in a different sauce before hand. Once the Colonel’s mimimun wage slave labor crew was finished applying the chicken grease, skin and mashed potatoes to the bodies of the two Republicans they were then instructed to line the bodies with the 131 biscuits, for cushioning. The bodies were then rolled up in the plastic that had covered the floor. Once the two men were encased in the plastic layered in chicken grease and mashed potatoes, the Colonel took out his pipe and lit it. Smiling with southern satisfaction, the Colonel said, “now we will have to just let the body temperture of these two fine distinguished men do the rest of the work. I do guarantee that in less than half an hour, the internal combustion of the Presidents bowels will blow a mighty confederate blast, releasing the fine Speaker of the House from his anal grips. I do declare that this will solve the problem and free both the men.” The President’s aides smiled a smile of uncomfortable relief. Then the one Presidential aide, the one with the black puches under her eyes, the one shaped like the Grimace, said “I am terribly sorry Colonel but there is a no smoking policy in the White House.” The Colonel smiled and reached into the left inside pocket of his white coat. From the pocket the Colonel removed a coupon for two free side dishes with purchase of a big box meal and handed it to the aide. The Colonel winked at the aide and said “I do so apologise for my indiscretions.” The Colonel pulled deeply from his pipe and exhaled the smoke into the Oval office, then said to his crew of minimum wage slave laborers “Our work here is done. We have served our nation well.” The Colonel turned and walked out of the Oval Office triled by his crew of minimum wage slave laborers in tow behind him.
Twenty five minutes later a large sounding rumble came from the great plastic human chicken fajita wrap there on the floor in the middle of the Oval Office. With a mighty burst the Presidents intestines pushed forth a gust of flatulence that in conjunction with all the chicken grease and mashed potatoes that had been massaged into his anus. Slowly the vice grip upon the head of the Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R) from the Presidents anus released itself. The Speaker of the House’s head slid out of the rectum of the President and Mr. Ryan gasped for air. Upon having his head freed from the poop shoot of the leader of the free world the Speaker of the House began to cry like a small child. Mashed potatoes, gravy and shit smeared across the head and face of the moaning Speaker. The President and the Speaker looked upon one another and both began to laugh. The one man winked to the other. The President then scooped a handful of the mashed potatoes out from behind the ear of the Speaker and hand feed it to the Speaker. The Speaker licked the Presidents fingers clean. “It is finger licking good after all,” he said. A great national crisis had been averted and America would sleep better that night.
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