woensdag 4 juli 2018

Is it technically cheating on the Universe if you try hooking up with a Parallel one?

So, the Universe and I had agreed to take some time off from hanging out with one another.  I figured, ok, everyone including the Universe needs some personal space.  But this distance between the Universe and I left me feeling a bit empty.  Maybe it was just me being a bit selfish, that what about me feeling.  I felt that I was losing an outlet.  Someone, something to be able to pour my soul out to.  Sure I have friends enough who would be there for me if needed (I hoped) and a loving and caring wife who listened patiently to my poor me needs.  Yet still what my relationship with the Universe had allowed me was something else entirely.  I was feeling a bit bummed out.  Yet regardless of my own needs, I wanted to respect the Universe’s own need for a time out between us. 
            After a few days of floundering about, caught up in my own head, lashing out at loved ones, mumbling under my breath as I roamed downtown streets looking for something to be engaged by, a wonderful idea popped into my head.  Now if the Universe was sort of giving me the cold shoulder for one reason or another, well then I would let the Universe sort itself out.  But that shouldn’t stop me from finding a Parallel Universe to play with.  I mean from what I had heard and read, seen spoken about on strange cable t.v. channels, was that there were countless Parallel Universes out there were shit was happening that was not totally unlike the Universe I knew but then again quite different in their own ways. (You follow?)  So I jumped online, did a bit of research and then closed my laptop.  Calling out as I had done so many times before, I knewe that it wouldn’t be too long before I got a call back.  Within15 minutes my phone went off and I found a new message in my inbox. 

“Hey man,” it said, “this is a Parallel Universe.  I heard that you were looking for a Universe to hangout with, shall we get together this afternoon?”
Wow, I thought, that is even faster than the Universe that i was so accustomed to.  So I typed back, “sure how about we meet in the park around 15.00?”
“See you then.” replied the Parallel Universe.  “I’ll be the Parallel Universe with the unicorn tshirt on and I Love Vegas sunvisor.

And there it was, a Parallel Universe waiting for me in the park exactly at 15.00.  All smiles and greeted with a full bear hug. The Parallel Universe asked me right away “so, what shall we do?”
Before I could answer the Parallel Universe answered its own question with, “How about we go to the petting zoo and visit the baby lambs?”
“Uh, ok…sure.” I said, thinking what sort of Parallel Universe was I getting myself into.
“It’s a beautiful day,” said the Parallel Universe once we were both inside the gates of the petting zoo.  Little baby lambs rushed over and started rubbing up against our legs, slobbering over my Converse. 
“Yeah, uhm the weather has been very nice recently.” I replied. 
“I love the petting zoo this time of the year,” said the Parallel Universe.  “All the baby animals, the children running around with glee.  It gives me such a warm feeling about the World.”
I just saw stinky furry animals shitting everywhere and snot covered kids radiating in germs.
“Oh, so you like the World?” I asked.
“I love the World.  I mean really there is no place like the World in the entire Universe or even in a Parallel one either.”
“But what about the state of the World we are all living in today?  The rise in Populism, the environmental problems, the social inequality?  All the school shootings, Donald Trump, global warming, Ed Sheeran?  I mean doesn’t any of this stuff bother you?”  I asked as the Parallel Universe lead me over to the seesaw in the playground next to the petting zoo.  The Parallel Universe sat down on the one side of the seesaw and motioned for me to climb on the other.  Up and down, up and down we teetered and tottered.  My knees began to hurt.as
“Why should it bother me?” said the Parallel Universe with a huge happy smile on its face.  “The World is as it is, and well we should just be happy with the way it is.  I mean look at us, here together in the middle of the day, the sun shining, on a seesaw together in a petting zoo for children. Life is beautiful and if you don’t stop to smell the roses once and awhile, well then you must have a thorn up your ass.”  I thought I just had hemmoroids again.
Eventually we got off the seesaw and left the petting zoo.  Walking further around the park I found myself getting quickly bored with this Parallel Universe, one where everything was ok, all good and just fine.  Where was the passive aggresive anger, the resistance to the bullshit brewing like sour IPA’s all over the World.  We reached the end of the park and the Parallel Universe was all of a sudden looking a little glum.
“What’s up? Where is that big smile of yours gone ” I asked.
“Well…” the Parallel Universe began, “ Sorry to say but I need to be honest with you and I am just not sure that you and I belong in the same Parallel Universe together.  I mean there must be another Parallel Universe for you out there.  Or maybe even a Parallel You for my Parallel Universe.  But as you are as you are and I am as I am, well I just don’t think it will ever really work out.  So maybe we should just cut it right away. Sorry.”
Now I have to say that I was somewhat relieved that I wasn’t the one that had to voice the very same conclusion.  It was quite obvious that this Parallel Universe would not in any way suit my needy needs. 
“Hey, no worries.” I said. “It was cool to hangout with you, glad we meet but, yeah, your Parallel Universe just ain’t for me either.  So, no hard feelings?”
“No, of course not.” replied the Parallel Universe.  “Hard feelings are only a problem between human friends.”

We parted ways with a handshake and I watched as the Parallel Universe floated back into the park.  I got on my bike and cycled the long way around town home.  It was after all a beautiful afternoon.  Once I got home I found a sponge and some dishsoap, then washed all the damn lamb saliva off of my sneakers.

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