vrijdag 22 juni 2018

The universe and one nut for every bolt.



So, the universe and I seemed to bond rather nicely during the ten frames of bowling and that big platter of bitterballen the other night. A day or two later I figured that I should reach out and see what was going on with the universe. The way the universe sort of took off after blowing its perfect game left me feeling a bit bad. Does one call or text the universe? Call of course, I couldn’t imagine that the universe was on Fbook Messenger anyway. So I call.
“Hey, it’s me. What’s up?” “I gotta go out and do a few errands. Could use some company, wanna come along? You busy?”
“Me busy? I'm only the fucking universe, of course I am busy, I am always busy…busy doing fuck all, actually. Sorry for the sarcasm. Come pick me up, I’ll be ready in 15 minutes.”
First stop the Karwei. The wife wanted to fix a few things around the house, so I volunteered to pick up what she needed if I didn’t need to do anything else. The universe understood my logic. So with my list we went up and down the aisles, the universe pushing the shopping cart behind me. It was while I was trying to figure out which silicone kit I was supposed to buy that I noticed that the universe was no longer behind me. Shit, I thought, how could I lose the universe in the hardward store! A few aisles back I found the universe staring blankly up at a wall full of screws.
“Nuts and bolts, nuts and bolts, nuts and bolt, nuts and bolts,” the universe was stammering to itself over and over.
“yo, what’s up? You ok?”
“All these nuts and bolts, man. All these nuts and bolts. All different sizes but only one nut for one bolt.”
“yeah, I guess that is how it all works. One nut for one bolt. I guess hardware is more or less monogamous.”
“What? What does that mean?”
“Oh, nothing I’m just rambling. Are you finished here? I am ready to go.”
“Looking at all this stuff, I feel like I should also be building or fixing something,” said the universe.
“Dude, day off. Let it go, right. Isn't that what you always say?”
We walked back to the front of the store and got in line behind some middle aged guy with a beard buying a new toilet seat. I wondered how many shits it took before he had broken the previous one. And how long it had taken him before he went out to buy a new one.
“Buy me a Snickers?” asked the universe.
“What?” I replied.
“Sorry, I am a bit broke and really hungry I didn't have time for lunch. Can you buy me a Snickers please? I’ll get you back next time.”
“Yeah sure, no problem.” I said.
I grabbed a Twix for myself and one for my wife then put the candy bars and the silicone kit on the conveyor belt. The woman behind the cash register scanned the items and asked me if I had a Karwei family card, which I didn’t but said that my wife does. That fact didn’t seem to matter. The universe swallowed its Snickers in two bites.

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