This past summer Flordia
Congressman Ron DeSantis and his family decided to visit the Netherlands. DeSantis actually knew very little about the
Netherlands, had no contacts here but had always been intrigued about the story
of the little boy with his finger in a dyke.
So, it goes with Americans.
Anyway DeSantis,
his wife Casey and there two children Madison and Mason or M&M for short, arrived
here in the lowlands in the middle of the heatwave of the summer of 2018. After a few days investigating Amsterdam and
all of its cultural phenomenom, M&M were growing restless. The Red Light District had lost its allure
realitvely quick for the two preadolescents.
Canal rides full of rusted bicycles for kids who grew up around
Everglades full of gators, were a snooze.
DeSantis and Casey had also seen more art than either one had ever seen
before. They were both suprised to find
out that Van Gogh was not an American after all.
So, while
sitting at a Dutch pancake house behind the Dam square, with M&M crying over
the deflated representation of what a pancake was in Holland, the two parents
got to Googling. DeSantis, since a very
young age had always a curiosity about primates. So when he came across the website for
Apenhuel in Apeldoorn he was very excited.
DeSantis loved primates and thought they were great to see in the zoo’s
and by the circus. DeSantis did not
believe in any way shape or form that man itself was descended from them. Apes were just beasts like dogs, hippos, and
goats, created by God but in no way in relation to that of the of man.
After
figuring out the Dutch rail system, DeSantis piled his family onto the train
out of Amsterdam. DeSantis warned his
children not to look anyone on the train in the eye for that is how the Dutch would
convert them into being socialists.
DeSantis was still under the assumption that the Netherlands was a
social democracy. Now anyway after the
hour and half train ride out to Apeldoorn the DeSantis family arrived at
Apenheul. Like a gleeful child DeSantis
escorted his family through the gates.
What shocked DeSantis first was the entree price. Damn europeans always trying to gouge us
Americans. But he thought well we came
all this way to see some monkey’s, so let’s see some fucking monkeys. The second thing that shocked DeSantis was
the fact that in the Apenheul the monkey’s ran free. This in a terrified the congressman. Monkey’s running free? Was this a precursor to Planet of the Apes.
How could any land accept this. Europe
was in a state of chaos after all.
Flashbacks
to a childhood incident in Florida’s own primate park Monkey Jungle began to
flash through the congressman’s mind. At
an age of 12 years old, De Santis’ own parents had taken him to Monkey Jungle. They had been in the park for an hour or so
when the family stopped by a cage to admire a group of young primates. The primates sat in a row facing the
public. Each primate was a male and each
one was stroking the erection of the one next to it. DeSantis’s father had leaned down and whispered
into the young boys ear, “ya see son, I told you that the damn monkey’s were
just like us Homosapiens, didn’t I.” The
young boy stood there glazed to the spot watching the masturbating monkeys
until his mother slapped him in the back of the head and said “Ronald, what the
hell are you starring at, this is disgusting.”
DeSantis’s own father had winked at him a put a firm hand on his
shoulder in recognition.
With this
memory racing through De Santis’s mind there in the Apenheul he began to panic. Casey asked him, “Ron, honey are you
alright?” The congressman stared at his children who were admiring a group of young
primates involved in a daisy chain. The
congressman began to shake. His wife
offered him a banana. A silverback
gorilla strolled over to him and asked him if he was interested in two for one
tickets to a live primate sex show.
DeSantis asked the gorilla if there was a discount for buying tixs for
the whole family.
The gorilla just smiled and laughed and laughed and laughed
and laughed.
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